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Angeles City, October 1964

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,
Moves on: nor all thy Piety nor Wit
Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,
Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it.

--   The Rubáiyát of Omar Khayyam, translated by Edward Fitzgerald, 1859 
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I saw this photo posted by Taga Angeles Ku on Facebook, and memories beyond the scope of this two-dimensional digital image rushed in. 


Back in the '60s, the Esso gas station sign was one of the first things I saw from my window in my waking hours. My room is on the second floor of a house just about across that gas station. Early at night I heard the occasional jeeps passing by; there were not many then, so the calesas, pulled by skinny horses, were not obstructions at all. Even in the mornings and afternoons of those quiet years, traffic was always light and, as can be seen in the picture, the view was not obscured by pollution.


At ground level of the house we rented was the junk shop my father managed. I was in grade school then, taking up English courses from 7 a.m. to 12 noon, and a Chinese course from 1-5 p.m. I made good grades, but, thinking about that now, I realize I was kind of dumb then. For example, I was not aware that my family lacked in many aspects, such as a house of our own, not exposed to the hustles of Henson Street. Maybe it's because Grade School leveled our status -- poor and lower middle-class kids mixed with rich kids whose family owned a hotel near Crossing, a big grocery store downtown, or a drug store just beyond that Esso sign.

So up and down the junk shop my family thrived. On weekends I was asked to stay at the shop: that meant help my father while he weighed the corrugated boards, sheets of folded tins, rusty iron metals and nuts and bolts, and stacks of old newspapers. In mid-afternoon, as the sun highlighted the road outside the store, I would sift through the bundle of newspapers, separating all the cartoon pages, especially from the Stars & Stripes. Sometimes I got lucky and found a portion of a Peanuts book or -- heaven on Earth! -- an entire comic book, or a letter envelope with a stamp still stuck on it. At night I would pore through my finds, not knowing that the black-and-white strips, the Batman adventures, and my growing stamp collection were influences that would stick for life.

I don't remember the year we moved to Henson St., but the junk shop with second-floor living space was certainly many notch above the rectangular one-room tenement we had left behind in an alley leading to the Apo Church. That church is located in Lourdes Sur East, where, my mother told me, I was born around noon of a Wednesday in 1955. "Yes," my grandmother would add later on, "there was an eclipse, the sky turned dark in the middle of the afternoon, the dogs howled, and all the chickens, after cackling their protest, went to sleep."

Google spat out the only significant event that occurred the day I was born: Ngo Din Diem declared South Vietnam a republic and became its first president. He would be assassinated in early 1963. A few days later, 1963 Nov. 22, President John F. Kennedy would be assassinated too. I remember my mother waking me very early on the morning of November 23 -- it's still dark outside -- and showing me the front page of a special edition of the Manila Times. The front-page photo showed a dotted line starting from a top window of a building, leading to a spot in a car below -- the trajectory of the bullet that blew open a side of Kennedy's head. "The president of America was killed," my mother said. "Uh-huh," I said, my mind more on the unusual fact that someone in our house had bought a new newspaper, not a used one to be priced by weight. Strange day. The smell of fresh ink on clean paper would stay with me forevermore, when I buy a new book, when I add a new Batman comics to my collection, when I get fresh bills from the bank. A month and a year later after the Kennedy assassination, the picture above of Henson Street would be taken.

We slept early at night on Henson Street, unlike those crazy chickens in Lourdes Sur East. I remember the fading roar of cars leaving the city, the clop-clops of the hooves of a horse pulling its load to home and a well-deserved rest. I see through my window the high structure across the street and I wonder what kind of people live in such a place, so big and not made of wood. Sometimes I hear a jukebox somewhere, making the night soft with guitar music: Faithful Love, I Miss You So, Sleepwalk. The titles of those songs I would learn when I grew up. Through the years, in High School, in College, I would try to perform the tunes on a succession of guitars bought and broken, with no success. And one song by the Beatles remains magical in my memory because it was played one night when no other sounds obtruded: Ask Me Why. Haunting.

And so they remain, the old songs, the Peanuts strips on half-a-book without cover, Henry, Nancy, Dagwood, Dick Tracy, Casper, Wendy, Richie Rich. The years would pile new memories on top of old, and although the structures of lives and buildings have been so drastically altered now, just an old picture in Facebook can bring the past to life. That version of the past will live, as long as the old cells in my faltering mind sustain the existence of my Angeles, in high definition.







Miriam

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Galit sa mundo?


In the late 1980s up to June 15, 1991, there were about five bookstalls at the Dau Supermart, which was known among shoppers from Manila for its PX goods. The supermart still stands; it was rebuilt after heavy ashes from the Mt. Pinatubo eruption crumpled the structure, but the bookstores did not return, their existence swept out with the fine ashes from Pinatubo. One of them, mine, holds a memory of Miriam, through his young son, who will remain young forever.

Before the volcano went ballistic, Miriam was a suki of Dau, going there about every weekend. She even had her hair cut in a small saloon owned by Linda. Back then, hair was still an option with me, so I also went to Linda, who extolled the virtue of her famous client, how Miriam went about just with her husband, her son and the yaya, and no bodyguards! While Miriam was having her hair trimmed and groomed, her son, who was about 10 years old then, strolled around the corridors with his yaya.

I can recall the last time Miriam's youngest son went to my bookstall, a prototype of Book Sale, which sold used and new pocketbooks, magazines, and comics. The comics were placed in a box, and the boy rummaged there. "O ano, gusto mo iyan?" the yaya asked the boy, who had chosen just one. "Pumili ka pa," she said. This woman apparently loved her young ward, who I noticed was painfully shy.



The boy approached my desk and asked, "Magkano po?" In my store, books and comics are not moneymakers like the magazines, so I tended to sell such slow stuff at cost. "P10 na lang," I said. "P8?" he offered. I liked the boy, unspoiled by the power, popularity and wealth of his mother, and I was tempted to sell the comics at a loss, but at P10 it was a bargain. "Mura na iyan," I told him, expecting concurrence. To my surprise the boy turned his back and returned the comics to the box. Then he went to his yaya, who was standing beside my desk, and looked up at her. "Ba't di mo pa bilhin?" she asked the boy. "Di ba gusto mo yun?" He just shook his head and walked out, the yaya following him, shaking her head.
***


In 2003 I was assistant editor at People's Tonight, having left Pampanga and the book business after Pinatubo restructured my life. On November 20 a report reached my desk: Miriam's son, 22, had shot himself in the head that afternoon. I asked the reporter to get more details. The boy had been under a lot of pressure, the reporter told me later, he was reportedly depressed about not being admitted at the UP College of Law after failing in Constitutional Law, a subject on which his mother is renowned as an expert.

At her son's funeral mass three days later, Miriam recounted: "[He] graduated Bachelor of Arts in Political Science, and decided to go into Law. He passed the written admission tests for both UP and Ateneo. Ominously, the faculty panel in UP that conducted what should have been routine interview cut him to the quick. Questions like: 'What is your reaction to the charge that your mother is insane?' and 'How much does your father bet in cockfights.?' He answered politely that it is in the nature of Philippine Politics today to deliberately inflict falsehood; and that he never knew how much his father bet, becasue as a stress- reducing hobby, it is not considered important enough for discussion in our family."

In an interview with media people during the wake, Miriam would recall the happy days with his son. He and I would hold hands, even in public, she said. "He was never embarrassed. People at the market or the mall envied us. We were like a love team, they teased us, because I would hug and kiss him in front of many people."

Reading the news reports, my mind reached back to Dau. Was the dead son the young boy in my store 13 years ago? I did some mental calculation, and the years seemed to add up to the young man's age when he committed suicide. It could not have been his brother Archie, who was 10 years older.

At the time of the tragedy, Miriam had been out of the limelight for some years, having left politics after being discredited for her staunch support of President Estrada during his impeachment trial. She, along with Enrile, Tito Sotto and other Erap allies, kept her silence after People Power II erupted in 2001. Later that year her term as Senator ended. She ran for reelection and lost. She spent the last two and a half years with her family.

In 2004 she decided to run for senator again, setting aside her promise to her deceased son not to enter politics again. Her son, she explained, did not like politics because it made thingd difficult and it changed her. "He believed people should see the real me, my natural personality -- my Ilongga side which is malambing."


Miriam won. In late 2006, according to Wikipedia, a group of young lawyers nominated her for Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. But she reportedly gave way to the senior associate justice, saying that she was too young for the post. In 2010 she was reelected, and now she is in the heat of another impeachment trial. When I saw her on TV a few days ago, haranguing the prosecutors, even quarreling with one of the lawyers, I wondered if the inner burden of a dead child in her heart weighed so heavily that she would let her temper erupt so violently, like the volcano that transformed me from a bookseller to a newsman.
***


Note: I've extracted some information from the following article, which I reprint in full so readers will get a fuller idea of what Miriam had gone through:


Ex-senator Miriam Santiago: 
I'm done with politics
Posted:0:14 AM (Manila Time) | Nov. 23, 2003
By Tina Santos and Juliet L. Javellana
Inquirer News Service


"I AM removing myself from politics to fulfill my promise to him."

Former senator Miriam Defensor-Santiago told reporters Friday night that this was the wish of her son Alexander Robert.

Speaking at "AR's" wake at the Christ the King chapel in Greenmeadows subdivision, Quezon City, Santiago said her "baby" had consistently objected to her political career because it gave people "the impression that I'm bad, since I'm always indulging my sense of humor."

At around 8 p.m. on Thursday, AR, who turned 22 on Oct. 2, was found with a gunshot wound in the head inside his room at the family's new home in the posh La Vista subdivision in Quezon City.

Family and friends have flocked to the wake since Friday. And though not exactly AR's favorite people, politicians have come, too, among the first being President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo and Quezon City Mayor Feliciano Belmonte.

AR didn't like the way politics made things "difficult" and constantly "changed" her, Santiago said. "He believed people should see the real me, my natural personality -- my Ilongga side which is malambing (affectionate)."

The last two and a half years that she'd been out of the public eye -- after her Senate term ended in 2001 and she lost a reelection bid -- brought her closer to her family, especially AR, Santiago said, and for this she was "very grateful."

It has also made it easier for her to accept AR's suicide, she said.

AR is the younger of the ex-senator's two sons by husband Narciso Santiago Jr., former interior undersecretary.

Archie, who is older than AR by 10 years, has been devastated by the incident, according to their mother. "They were very close," she said.

At the wake, Santiago also talked with AR's classmates at the Ateneo de Manila University, where he was a law freshman, describing him as "a perfect son any mother would wish to have."

AR was an "illimitable source of comfort" especially when she underwent "the usual grind of black propaganda and name-calling," she said. "If I were asked to manufacture a child according to my specifications, the result would have been AR. We were really joined at the hip."

'Hot Babe'

She had only happy times with AR, she said, up till the end: "Every night when he came home from school, he would enter my room, and give me a snappy greeting like, 'Yo, woman!' or 'How's my hot babe?' We would talk about his day in school, his classmates ... he would kiss and hug me, he was so malambing."

Even in public, she said, they would hold hands. "He was never embarrassed. People at the market or the mall envied us. We were like a love team, they teased us, because I would hug and kiss him in front of many people."

Like any young man, AR dated, his mother recalled. He once consulted her about making a choice between a girl who lived nearby and another whom he had to make a long detour to fetch.

"I told him it depends, if her value exceeds the amount of gasoline," she laughed.

Santiago was sure he had placed her "above everything else." He would drop everything when she needed company, even to go shopping, Miriam said.

Best of all, she said, they talked. "Oh, how he loved discussion. So he was a child after my own heart. Not everyone wants to discuss philosophy, or Marx versus Hagel ... but he enjoyed that kind of thing. My husband would sometimes complain at the dinner table, saying, 'Go ahead, just talk between the two of you since you ... don't care whether other people understand you or not."'

Among her last discussions with AR, Santiago said, was about turning over her law firm to him when she retired.

Goodbye, mom

The grief that the feisty lawyer and former public official almost succeeded in hiding surfaced when she recounted AR's last few days and their last encounter.

The night before her son took his own life, she recalled, he came into her room looking as if he wanted to say something.

"He did not say it, but I could see it in his eyes," she said. "I saw that he was very tired and I tried to raise his spirits. Instead of kissing me goodnight, he asked me to sit up. I did, and he gave me a very, very tight hug and then said, 'Goodbye mom.' I let that slip ... and that's the last I saw of him."

The following morning, there wasn't the usual sign on his door asking her to wake him up. "He would stick it up on his door with a piece of gum," she recalled, unable to resist a chuckle. And then in the afternoon, at 4 o'clock apparently, he got his father's gun and shot himself in the head."

Because workers had been drilling iron bars onto her windows, she said, the maids did not hear the gunshot. "My husband and I came home after five. We assumed our son was in school and the maids did not tell us (that he never left the house). At 7 p.m., the maids went to call him to dinner. That's when they found him."

Hope never dies

When her husband insisted that she "stay away," Santiago said, she knew it was bad. So she forced herself through AR's door. "He was lying face down in a pool of his own blood and his face was gray. I knew my son was dead, but still I hoped ... hope never dies in a mother's breast."

Archie carried his brother while their father took the wheel and sped off to the East Avenue Medical Center. Santiago was left at home. When her husband called later, he instructed her to "fortify" herself.

In denial

She recounted: "I asked, 'Is AR dead?' He said, 'We'll continue to try to revive him.' But I knew it was more of a wish. The whole night I couldn't cry at all. I was in denial, I couldn't accept that he was dead. In the morning, that was when I started to cry." When she finally saw AR inside a coffin on Friday morning, she broke down altogether.

Santiago was certain that AR killed himself because he had received a failing mark in constitutional law. "He took it hard because of me," she said, eyes misting over. She is an acknowledged expert on the subject.

But the young man's anxiety could also have built up from the time that he was denied admission to the University of the Philippines College of Law prior to his enrollment in Ateneo, his mother said.

AR had passed the UP entrance test but failed the oral exam, during which Santiago said her son was asked "cruel" questions.

"He was asked what he thought about the charge of her mother's insanity and how much his father bet on cockfights," she said, shaking her head. "Apparently they (panel interviewers) were no fans of mine."

AR lost confidence in himself and the system as a result, Santiago said. "He had that in his heart, like a big heavy rock."

In his first semester at Ateneo, AR failed the subject of persons and family relations. Santiago said they protested this, but "did not even get the courtesy of a reply." Soon after, he told her he was worried about his grade in constitutional law. "He was afraid that if he had two flunking grades, he might be kicked out. Dean (Joaquin) Bernas (said that) was not the case. But for a person who had been on the dean's list and passed two written exams, I think AR found it unacceptable to flunk twice in a row."

Layers of humiliation

She learned later from AR's classmates that the grades were released in the afternoon of that day she last saw him. They also told her that among those who failed, he took it the hardest. "It was actually layer upon layer of frustration and humiliation that reached an inevitable peak," she said of her son's extreme reaction.

The Santiagos also have adopted twin daughters, Megan and Molly. Without AR, whom she had also called "Toto" or "Hunk," the ex-senator said, the family will never be the same, and the coming holidays "would definitely be a lot different."

She did not feel guilty about AR's suicide, Santiago said. "But for a moment, I had a very strong sense of self-hate. I have an accomplished student record, and maybe my children (thought) they were expected to match this -- if not by me, then by society. Sometimes I also look at my professional career as a curse on my children."

Right now, she said, she was thankful to God for having brought her "so much love" through AR: "There will be a lot of pain because it will take maybe 10, 20 years before I see my son again. But at his level of existence, there is a certain philosophical view that he will not suffer even if we are separated because at that level, time moves at a different pace and his expectation will be that I will be there in a minute, I'm just turning the corner."

Until then, she will take it slow. "I used to have fire in my belly," she sighed. "But now I am numb."

Cats & Books

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Cats & Books
By Leena Calso Chua


The picture shows cats playing atop some books -- cats on books, literally speaking.

But that's not what I mean. This is about cats and the books they like. It's common knowledge among dynamic pet breeders that cats adore books and start to read as early as two weeks old, when they open their eyes. In their kittengarten stage they start with kiddie fare like Dr. Seuss's A Cat in the Hat, then move on to Saki's Tobermory, though not one of them likes what happened to the only member of their species that had gained the ability to talk.

It is not unusual to find some of the more sedate kitties preferring T.S. Eliot's juvenile Old Possum's Book of Practical Cats, from which the smash Broadway play, Cats, was adapted. I have even seen kittens, in private moments, humming the theme song, Memory. One of them even extended his reading to Eliot's The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock. This poem has nothing to do with anything feline, but cats do like the somber sway and tenor of the poem.
What student of Literature doesn't know Gray's Elegy? But cats sneer at the student's ignorance of Gray's lament over his beloved Selina, Ode on the Death of a Favourite Cat, Drowned in a Tub of Gold Fishes. Anyway, that's ok, since kittens realize early in life that the luminosity of the human mind is uncannily equivalent to that of a dim bulb.

Kittens have a deep fondness for specialized magazines about them: Cat's World, Kittens, Cat Fancy, and occasional articles in National Geographic about their favorite country in this planet, Egypt. They venerate their ancient ancestors who lived in luxurious palaces with pharaohs who really knew how to give cats their rightful place -- way up in the pantheon of nobility.

Mau's baby Persians may root for Batman, but they purr at the Dark Knight's romantic link with their green-eyed heroine, Selina Kyle, a.k.a. Catwoman. They also lapped up Vonnegut's Cat Cradle, but were miffed after they found out the novel is not even remotely about cats at all. Rightly, they settled for Golden Age copies of Felix the Cat.
One of Hemingway's early short story, Cat in the Rain, is a kitty favorite. Another oldie-but-goldie is Capote's Breakfast at Tiffany's, where, in the film version, an orange tabby plays a crucial role (also in the rain) to bring the angst-ridden Audrey Hepburn to the arms of budding-writer-cat-sympathizer George Peppard. Yes, cats swing to the slow tune of Moonriver.
Would you believe songs by Cat Stevens are still extremely disliked by erudite and musical cats? They hiss at Morning Has Broken, yowls greet Wild World, tuffs of fur are tossed against the composer of Father and Son. Kittens and old cats have on record the sin of the erstwhile-adored Cat Stevens, talented singer turned idiotic Islamic convert, who with great cacophony supported the crazy Ayatollah Khomeini's fatwa against prolific writer Salman Rushdie. For writing The Satanic Verses, Rushdie had been sentenced to death by whatever means in the hands of any Muslim who succeeds in making Rushdie shake hands with his creator, asap.
Of course, they dote on the late James Herriot series of books about his growth and fame as a veterinarian who loved, saved and took care of big farm animals and the smaller pets like dogs and -- ahem! -- cute kittens. The title of four of Herriot's books were the first stanza of Hymns For Little Children, an 1848 poem by Cecil F. Alexander: All Things Bright and Beautiful, All Creatures Great and Small, All Things Wise and Wonderful, The Lord God Made Them All.
Cats read for leisure, not for career: they'd rather take catnaps, sniff catnips, and stay cute all their life. After all, that's what pets are for.



Bulabog

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The moon is lunatic,
Sending beams to break my sleep.
Ay, buwan, tinimbang ka ngunit kulang,
Di mo ba alam, insomniac ako, hunghang!
-- William the Henry

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
3:04 a.m.
Gising na naman ako. Inaantok pa ako, pero alas tres at ilang baryang minuto na ng umaga, kaya ano pa -- sige nga! -- gising na ako. Ngayon, ano naman ang gagawin ko? Magbasa? Pumipikit pa ang mga mata ko, ayaw lang akong patuluging muli.

3:11
Lagi na lang ganito araw-araw: Pagpatak ng ilang minuto lampas alas tres ng madilim pang umaga ay babasagin na ang tulog ko, ke may panaginip, ke puyat na nga, bubulabugin pa rin ako para (1) Makita ang dilim? (Para maisip kong oxymoronic ang sabihing makita ang hindi naman makikita? Makikipagtalo ba ako sa sarili ko? Aysus!) (2) Marinig ang malilibog na mga kuliglig na sumasabay sa ingay ng ikot ng electric fan? (3) Ala lang, trip-trip lang?!

3:34
Ayaw pa ring tumalab ang Lyrica. Sabayan ko na kaya ng katapyas na Ribotril? Pero sabi nung doctor medyo bawas-bawasan ko na itong Ribotril dahil kumapit na ito sa sistema ko. Kaya nga strictly prescriptive, nakaka-addict kasi. Kalahati na nga lang ang iniinom ko, tatawagin pa akong addict. Nakakaasar. Eh si Ampatuan -- yung mas bata, yung mukhang unggoy na berdugo -- siguro kung umupak ng Ribotril ay parang mani lang. Ba't naman di makatulog ang hinayupaks na diablong yun? Ala namang kunsiyensiya. Saka paanong naging mayor yun? Ay tanga! Kung si unanong Gloria at Zubiri eh naibraso yung mga boto, ang sarili pa kaya? Matulog ka na nga!

4:03
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Cute pets: bottomless appetite, thick hides. P500/pair.

Project Insomnia

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3:46 a.m.
Mainit, pero hindi ako pinagpapawisan dahil nasasapinan ng konting lamig ang dilim. Sabi ni Leena maginaw sa labas, ang sarap nga at nararamdaman niya mula sa bintana. Nagkumot pa. Ako naman parang gusto kong paikutin yung electric fan para dagdagan pa ng konting timpla ang lamig. Ganyan kami: Pag pinagpapawisan siya at binubuksan ang electric fan, ako ay nakabalot na ng kumot para di magyelo ang mga paa. Ang sagwa naman kung ma-frostbite ako dito sa polluted na sulok ng Project 8.

4:15
Walang Project 9. Di rin alam ni Leena kung bakit walang Project 1 saka Project 5. Alam kong may Project 6 -- doon kami galing; lumipat kami dito sa Project 8 mga pitong taon na. Ang ganda ng pangalan ng barangay namin: Bahay Toro. May Tandang Sora sa ibang parte ng QC, Holy Spirit, Libis, Imelda, pero dito kami sa Bahay Toro. Yey. Project 7 yung malapit sa SM North EDSA at Trinoma. Project 3 kina Elvie; sa paskel ng mga jeep may Proj. 2 at Proj. 4. Kinurakot siguro yung dalawang Project nang walang nakabantay na auditor. Ala namang umaangal, kaya ok lang.

4:40
Tahimik na ang mga kuliglig sa ganitong oras. Palagay ko nakahanap na sila ng partner at nag-o-orgy na sa maliit na sulok nilang Sodom at Gomorrah sa hardin ng kapitbahay. Yung tuko nila, ilang araw nang di naririnig yung nakatutuwang birit na "TUK-o!" "TUK-o!" Status symbol na ang tuko magmula nang kinikidnap sila ng mga smuggler para ibenta ng libo-libong dollar sa mga dayuhan. Aphrodisiac daw ito, para makatayo ang lampang bayang magiliw ng mga maniac na hindi na makasali sa sex festival ng mga makasalanang kuliglig. Biro mo, ang kikitaing dollars ng isang tuko ay mahigit pa sa ilang taong kayod ng isang caregiver o teacher-naging-housemaid abroad. Iba talaga ang kita pag may Project Sex.

5:14
Nagiging corny na ako. Makatulog na nga. Thank you, Lyrica. Bless you, Ribotril. Antay ka lang Thyrax, maya ka pa. Tritase, Thrombosil, pagkatapos ng almusal pa kayo, kayong mga personal kong perlas ng silanganan. Yeah, ang mamatay nang dahil sa inyo, baby. Gud morning, Liwayway, bumuka ka na.

Zzzzzzzz...

Mr. Moonlight, Spock, Beatles atbp

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3:00 a.m.
Spock: Sleep long and proper
Ang galing. Saktong alas tres ka ngayon, Mr. Moonlight. Biblical ito. (Namputsang ba't di nung Holy Week ako ginising sa ganitong topak, este, topic? Anyway, whatever. Insomnia na nga, nagrereklamo pa.)
Anong oras namatay si Kristo? Siyempre ang response agad diyan eh alas tres.
Umaga o hapon? Konting kamot ng ulo, tapos makikita mo sa ngiti ng biktimang intervewee ang pagsindi ng lightbulb sa itaas ng ulo niya -- Ting! 
Hapon!
Are you sure? 
Oo naman, kaya alas tres inililibing ang mga tao ngayon, di ba?

3:15
Sabi ni Matthew sa New Testament, mga alas nuebe na nang gabi nang   marinig ang pagsamo ni Jesus mula sa krus: "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" Ibig sabihin nito sa English: "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" At ilang saglit pa at pumanaw na si Jesus.
Ayan, kung gusto niyong sumunod, 9 p.m. kayo magpalibing -- sa dilim. Awooooh!

3:40
Imaginary conversation (Ganyan talaga sa insomnia, hahagilap ka sa hangin ng kausap):
"Ano ang lengguwahe ni Jesus? Yung "Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?" -- anong salita yon?"
"Ayoko ko nga! Trick question na naman yan. Hindi pala alas tres namatay, di na lang sabihin agad. Dami pa namang inililibing nang alas tres hanggang ngayon. Hmmmp! Bumili ka ng kausap."
"Aysus, kasalanan ko ba kung dispalinghado ang hunghang na species natin - mali na lagi habang nabubuhay, mali pa rin hanggang huling hantungan. O sige na, anong language ni Jesus? Ibili kita ng ice cream pag nakuha mo ang sagot c'',) "
"E di Latin. Di ba nakasalin sa Latin ang mga Bible noon? Ayan! Double Dutch bilhin mo ha?"
"Pa'no yung mga Bible na Hebrew? Di ba Hebrew kung magbalitaktakan sina Moses at ang mga matitigas na ulong kasama niyang naligaw ng landas sa disyerto?"
"Oo nga, hehe. Hebrew! Yan ang sagot ko. Hebrew! Final answer!"
"Actually, parang Aramaic ang salita sa Nazareth. You know, Jesus of Nazareth. Aramaic ang salita sa barangay Nazareno."
"Basta! Di ka pupunta sa langit."

4:22
Ah, langit, the Final Frontier, to boldly go where no man has gone before, this is the starship Enterprise... Buti pa ang mga santo, may promo ticket to Heaven agad, non-transferable (dahil baka ibenta? O makasalanang diwa! Magtika, magtika!)
Pag-akyat mo sa Stairway to Heaven sasalubungin ka ni St. Peter, yung may tandang. (Di kaya may Freudian association dito? Peter. Cock. Bad thought, erase! Erase!)
St. Peter: "Yes? May I help you?"
Spock: "Gatekeeper, any Klingon in there?"
St. Peter (tingin sa ledger): "Wala, meyn, puro santo lang nasa VIP lounge today, meyn. You know any santo?"
Spock: "I know a St. Paul..."
St. Peter: "Puwede. Merong St. Paul's Cathedral. Meron ding St. Paul College na puno ng magagandang college chix..."
Spock: "Then there's St. John..."
St. Peter: "Hmm... John the Baptist, check. Kakosang John of the Gospel, aprub. John and Marsha?!"
Spock: "St. George..."
St. Peter: "Let me see... Kasama ba rito yun? Dragonslayer... princess saver..."
Spock: "And St. Ringo?"
St. Peter: "Ay, anak ka ng Vulcan ka, matulog ka na nga!"

4:57
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...


Rex: 2001-2012

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Rex when we were both healthy. He always had more hair.


Rex, belonging to that big and gentle Chow Chow breed, was capable of harming a fly, though not intentionally, and he was probably not aware of the nature of his deed. One afternoon years ago I looked out the door at the open garage, and just in time I saw Rex chomp down on a pesky fly that had been buzzing around his head for hours; the remains of the fly, cut in half, made crazy spirals down to the cement floor. That's one of the main memories that comes to mind when I think of Rex, who this morning passed away at the vererable age of 11.

We don't know if it's the debilitatingly hot weather or if it's Rex's deteriorating health that caused him to succumb to a heat stroke Thursday night. When Leena arrived home at about 9 p.m. Thursday, she found Rex lying on his side on the cement floor of the garage. Several ice packs were hurriedly placed all over his body to lower his temperature and to steady his labored breathing. When it seemed Rex was out of immediate danger, Leena placed an emergency call to Russell, who has been a reliable and capable vet to our five Chows and 20-plus cats.

After assessing Rex's condition, Russell gave him an injection to lower his body temperature to less than 39.4, which he said was dangerously critical. Earlier, I went cold when I noticed that Rex had involuntarily emptied the content of his stomach by vomiting and voiding: signs that the defensive system of his body had gone on full alert, abandoning the digestive system to sustain Rex's faltering cardiovascular system. When Rex's breathing returned to normal level, we kept a watchful eye on him while Leena discussed with Russell the medicines required. It was almost midnight when Russsell left, dropping off Melay and Marilyn to the Mercury branch near Munoz Market to buy the medicines.

Leena hardly slept that night, going to the garage to keep watch over Rex. Early Friday morning Leena decided to take Rex to Animal House, the pet hospital in Cubao. Blood tests, ECG, X-rays, and other tests were performed on Rex. Old age caught up with our old pet, who through the years had unobtrusively led a quiet existence at the garage, enjoying a treat of chicken once in a while, greeting Leena when she arrived home from office. That Thursday night he was not able to approach her.

So life went on at home on Friday, although we were aware that one mainstay of our lives was missing, fighting for a life made feeble by age and illness. But we dared not dwell on the fact that hope was not an option in this case. If it was just a matter of time, then time could flow on along its stoical way as we gather fortitude for when reality descends. It descended this morning. And it's Leena's birthday today. If it should be considered a gift that Rex's suffering was mercifully ended, so be it.

It's a terrible thing to learn late in life that death, like life, can be a gift.

 Leena with Rex through puppyhood and cuddlyhood.

***
The following is Leena's message to wellwishers on her birthday:

To my friends, fellow cat and animal lovers who remembered me today, A VERY BIG THANK YOU! I am sorry that it took time before I could respond. I had to bring our beloved Rex home from the hospital and arrange a small, solemn funeral. Perhaps Rex wanted me to remember him whenever I celebrate my birthday, that's why he chose this day to say goodbye. I was hoping that he could still spend some moreyears with us, but as the vet said, he is already a super senior Chow. He is only 11 years old, and now that he's gone I ask myself where did the years go? It seems only yesterday when he was an adorable, huggable puppy. Time does fly. To the most handsome chow in the world, until we play again. We will miss you Rex.

Hilaw

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2:33 a.m.
Ano ito, bubot na insomnia? Sobrang aga naman, pati mga kuliglig eh inaantok pa. Binuksan ko kung sa'n ko huling naiwan ang You Can't Go Home Again, ang nobela ni Thomas Wolfe na di ko matapos-tapos. Pa'no super-analytical siya: huminga ka lang nang malalim, ilang paragraphs na ang observation niya tungkol diyan. Pag nangulangot ka pa -- nakuh! -- ididiskurso ang chemical composition nito, texture, historical and ethical significance, kung dapat mga ba bilugin muna bago pitikin o ialok muna sa sweetheart mo as keepsake. Masarap pasadahan yung mga kuro-kuro niya, pero nakaka-drain yung overload. Kung na-discover ko sana si Wolfe nung bata pa ako, three sitting lang tapos na ito. FYI: 576 pages ito, P95 kong nabili sa Book Sale, may mga kagat ng pusa sa gilid. Ok lang, cute naman at naglalambing lang ang mga baby ni Mau.

2:51
Isa sa mga heavyweight writers si Wolfe. Parang mas sikat yung una niyang obra, yungLook Homeward, Angel (na iniwan ko somewhere sa gitna). As usual, kung magaling ka at marami pang iaalay sa planetang ito, patay kang bata ka. 37 lang siya nung 1938 nang tinamaan ng miliary tuberculosis yung utak niya. Tsugi.

Itutuloy next insomnia...


Cordell's music

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First editions lahat: Books, Cordell, ako. Yung mga Lyrica, hindi pala: revised nightly siya.


3:33 a.m.
Ano ito, half Omen? And the name of the baby beastie boy is 333, yea! Naalala ko yung full Omen: Asar na asar ako sa ending, yung sasaksakin na lang ni Gregory Peck ang sugo ng dilim nang barilin siya ng pulis. Ayun, nagkaroon tuloy ng dalawa pang sequel! For life na ba itong memory ko: Slow-motion na balang palaki nang palaki sa screen hanggang tumama sa likod ni Peck? Saka anong ginagawa ni Peck sa isang horror film? Kumita nga sa takilya, pero si Peck ng Roman Holiday --romantic film niya with Audrey Hepburn -- nasa Omen? Namannnnnnn...

3:55
Natatandaan ko ang role ni Peck bilang abogadong si Atticus Finch sa To kill a Mockingbird, adapted mula sa libro ni Harper Lee, na kaibigan pala at kababata sa Alabama ni Truman Capote. One and only book ni Lee ang Mockingbird, pero kasya na ang kita niya mula sa book at film rights para magbakasyon habambuhay. Nakita ko pa lang sa TV lately itong si Lee, parang binabati siya ni Obama sa White House sa 50th anniversary ng Mockingbird. Matanda na si Lee, uugod-ugod na at bukot ang likod. May umaalalay sa kanyang tumayo habang kinakamayan siya ng ni Barack. Ang pumasok agad sa isip ko nang makita ang napaka-touching na eksena eh, Buhay pa pala siya. Ayan, sabi ko sa sarili, ganyan talaga ang andar ng utak mo -- sacrilegious, blasphemous, ominous...

4:21
Nalaman ko ang link nina Harper Lee at Capote nang mapanood ko sa pirated DVD angIn Cold Blood, bagong adaptation mula sa breakthrough novel nitong si Truman. Ang nobelang ito ata ang nagpasimula ng New Journalism, yun bang true story na inihayag sa pormang nobela. Diyan sumunod ng style sina Norman Mailer, Joan Didion, P. J. O'Rourke, Gay Talese, Hunter S. Thompson at sangkatutak pang gaya-gaya. Common na ngayon itong genre, pero nung unang pumutok ito noong early 1960s, Wow!

4:38
Pinag-aralan ko ang writing style ni Truman noong nagsimula akong magsulat sa 1980s. Nakalap ko ang lahat ng libro niya, early and late -- Other Voices, Other Rooms, The Grass Harp, Breakfast at Tiffany'sAnswered Prayers, Children on Their Birthdays, A Christmas Memory -- pero nawala ang buong library ko pagkatapos ng pagsabog ng Pinatubo nung 1991. Sa ngayon nabawi ko na ang ilang piyesa niya, puwera yung Music For Chameleons, na hanggang ngayon eh di ko makita sa National, Book Sale, Fully Booked, Powerbook. Ganyan kabusabos itong Pilipinas: sangkatutak ang Jollibee kahit saan, McDo, Chow King, KFC, etc., para bundatin ang tiyan mo, pero kung hahanapan mo ng pagkain ang utak mo, suwerte mo na lang kung di ka maging malnourished dito sa Pinas. Di ako nagtataka at naging Presidente yang si Noynoy. Susmarya, kahit ata komiks di nagbabasa yan.

4:54
It's annoying, this Noynoying. Makatulog na nga. Good dawn, Lyrica my lovely, gudam...

***

Note: Bakit Cordel's music ang title nitong Insomnia series no. 05072012? Mga 3:30 kaninang umaga, biglang bumukas yung radio sa ibaba, full volume, at binulabog ng Rock music ang buong bahay. Agad bumaba si Leena at Melay para silipin kung bagong episode ito ng Poltergeist. Si Cordell big cat pala, lumundag sa mesa at natabig yung "On" button ng radio at nag-Rock 'n' Roll ang tulog naming lahat. Relax lang si Cordell sa mesa, parang gusto pang sumayaw. Nang tingnan ko ang oras, tiyempo pala sa insomnia appointment ko. Ayan, nakabuo na naman ako ng blog.

Diskurso

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3:21 a.m.
Actually ilang minuto na akong gising: di ko lang maimulat itong may muta ko pang mga mata kahit matagal nang nagdidiskurso itong kapitbahay naming matandang lalaki at mga bingi niyang mga bisita. Palagay ko malakas ang kunsiderasyon nitong kapitbahay naming ito, dahil napakalakas ng boses niya kung magkuwento o mag-eksplika, para siguro marinig ng mga bisita niyang barado ang tenga.

3:41
Nagbibiyaya din kaming kapitbahay sa napakatining na boses na sumasalpok sa aming bintana at sumesemplang sa aming dilat na dilat nang diwa. Sigurado din akong nagbibigay-daan din ang alaga niyang tuko, na tahimik ding nakikinig sa napakahalagang topic na di maipagpaliban at kailangang ihayag agad kahit madilim pa ang mundo at di pa tapos ang kunsiyerto ng mga kuliglig. 


Magaspang ang boses nitong kapitbahay, parang may dahong is-is ang vocal cord kayo paos -- pero malakas! -- ang birit na mga kade-kadenang mga opinyon, thesis, synthesis, pati na tsismis. Sa walo-siyam na taon kong paninirahan dito sa kabilang-bakod, di pa ako pinalad ng masulyapan ang mukha nitong love-thy-neighbor na ito. Kung ibabase sa halinghing ng boses niya, huhulaan kong mukhang kabayo ito; pero ayon sa volume ng boses, malamang mas malapit sa tigbalang ang hilatsa nito. Wala naman silang punong baleteng nakatanim sa malawak nilang hardin. Matamis ang bunga ng kanilang punong mangga, santol at chico, na pinipitas nina Melay at Neneng tuwing hapon. Minsan, pag sumusungkit sina Melay ng kamyas, may lalabas na matandang babae at hihingi ng konti sa bunga ng kanyang puno. Mabait itong ale at di ko naririning ang boses sa madaling araw: inubos na siguro ng asawa niya ang lahat ng topic.

4:13
Tahimik na. Tumalab na siguro ang beer at paralisado na ang dila ni lolo. Low-bat na si neighbor, nagrere-charge para sa susunod na kabanata ng lecture series niya. Meanwhile, greet ko muna si Lyrica at Rivotril na magko-concert para patulugin ako. Research ko bukas kung ika-ilang commandment yung Love thy neighbor at kung supplanted ito ng sixth commandment, at kung puwedeng i-repeal itong huli para naman mapalipad ko ang de-kalibre kong opinyon sa direkyon ng kapitbahay ko -- loud and clear din, 18 rounds, 9 mm.

Father's day

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Father with one of our dogs, from way back when...



3:19 a.m.
"Song is the ultimate structuring device for language." This quote is lifted from Moonwalking with Einstein: the Art and Science of Remembering Everything, one of three ebooks recently purchased by Leena. I flipped through the first page out of curiosity, drawn by the incongruous title, and by early evening I found myself halfway on page 187. I would have gone on had the battery of the darn iPad not given up. Anyway, the author, Joshua Foer, also clarified that language is the foundation of memory. This is  about memory.

Good book!

3:41
In the beginning of Foer's fascinating book about memory -- how it works, its power and effect, its history and future -- he assigns a card, the king of hearts, to Michael Jackson, and Einstein is equivalent to the three of diamonds. I think the flippant title does not do justice to the erudition of the writer, harbinger of unexpected wealth of information and ideas that can and should change the way we think and live. Why? It took Foer more than 300 pages to explain; I can't do it for less. Buy the book.

3:53
I'm a Jurassic -- or, to be accurate, Pleistocene -- a creature plagued by dreams that wake me by the dawn's early light. These dreams are made of memories, however disjointed and warped the settings and time frames.

4:00
I dream of parents and dear friends departed. I dream of former newspaper colleagues and high school classmates dead and alive. I grieve for the dead because they died so young (young meaning they did not even get to live 50 years in this crazy planet), suddenly taken away either by cancer or heart attacks. 



When classmates I have not seen for more than three decades visit by dream, I think, as if in a reunion, how well they did in life, and that I did not fare so badly in comparison: they have more money, in exchange for the staid lifestyle of businesspeople; I, on the other hand, was made to hurdle unconventional loops, at least far from the standard of a Chinese living as a Filipino. I have been leading an outcast's life.

4:28
What gets me at this stage is the matter of age. In a reunion I attended about four or five years ago, we bandied the Alzheimer word a lot -- when we failed to recognize each other, when we could not relate to some past incidents, when we forgot old acquaintance and days of auld lang syne. Discussion tended to drift toward betablockers and other preventive medication, healthy diets, poor eyesight, high anxiety, low energy. Nevertheless I left in a magical daze, unexpectedly seeing those good people after so long!

4:41
So I wake up in shattered mid-dream again. Again I realize I'm still here, after more than half a century. I feel like a mastodon, out of sync because my mind carries the illusion of youth, gone but not forgotten.

4:47
I have already learned to cope with my inescapable age. I used to get distressed when I realize that I'm really old, no kidding. Now I'm comforted by the fact that all my classmates are also not immune to this biological affliction. Some are even older than I am. I miss those who had treated me kindly.

5:03
I remember a morning many years ago when at breakfast my father suddenly exclaimed (in Chinese), "I have a white hair in my head; I'm getting old!" We just laughed, my grandmother and my 12-year-old self: my father was just about 40 then, or even younger. He died at age 67 in 1995. Since then he visits me in my dream. In my dreams, dear friends and loved ones meet, and they are always welcome. 


Today is Father's Day. I think of my father -- gone but not forgotten, far but not away. 

Lyrically yours

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3:04 a.m.
In one or two biographies of the Beatles, John Lennon was quoted as saying that he wanted to be a millionaire by the time he became twenty-one. When I first read about that in Hunter Davies' paperback I was in high school, and I thought, "Why not? Me too. Should not be too hard to do." 



1968 Paperback Edition


3:16
Looking back, I wonder about the refulgent optimism of youth. Lennon wanted a million pounds so he could drop out of school and not have to work for the rest of his life. He made it. I was about 16 when I bought and read the Davies book.


My goal was smaller in scale: I needed a million pesos to buy the entire stock of very early Batman comics a music record dealer kept in several crates in Angeles City. When I turned 21 I found myself in college, stretching my allowance to make ends meet. Not rich, no comics even.

I did not know the basic ingredients of success back then, in 1972. Neither did the professors, I noticed.

To be rich you must have (1) a tremendous amount of talent, and (2) a more tremendous will to use it to attain your goal. I did not have either.

3:45
John could sing and compose tunes, John was creative in his guitar play, John had the courage to drop out of school, which he felt was hampering his plan. He formed his band, met Paul and George and (3) worked liked hell to earn some money. It took some time before (4) they earned their luck that launched them to fame and history.

John has been dead at 40 since December 8, 1980, but his music still brings in big royalties. He's dead but still earning much more per annum than the majority of living stiffs who go to 9-to-5 jobs, like high school teachers.

George Harrison died of cancer in 2001. If you're a member of the bestselling rock band in history, death does not stop the income from pouring in.

Paul McCartney still lives. He sang Hey Jude at the London Olympics at the opening ceremony. He has been a millionaire since he was 21.

4:02
Lennon reminds me of the young Chess prodigy Bobby Fischer, who at 15 trounced old champions and became the youngest grandmaster then. He dropped out of school so he could spend all his time absorbing tons of books about anything concerning Chess. He had heaps of talents and he used all his time and energy on the game. In short, he had ingredients 1, 2, 3 and 4 of the recipe.

Some people still managed to snag ingredient 4 to escape the rat race of drudgery. Lotto did it for them, like the security guard who won the P163 million jackpot. Lucky people do not need talent, will to succeed, nor hard work. Luck, like death, is a great equalizer. 


I think billiards' Bata Reyes has #1, #3 and #4. Manny Pacquiao, too, but his ability is so great and the box office demand for his ability to pummel people down to the canvass is so huge that he became a billionaire in a few years. Now he is a congressman: on record his wealth surpasses the wealth of Senate President Enrile and other politicians who took decades to acquire theirs. Score one for the working man.

4:45

Back to my high school days. To give you a perspective of the value of a million pesos in the early 1970s, I will cite the microeconomics of a struggling high school student. At that time, board and lodging at the dorm of the exclusive Chiang Kai-shek College -- a bed and three meals a day -- cost only P90. That's right, less than the cost of a big Mac and fries at McDo or Jollibee, junk shops which did not exist back then. Jeepney fare was 25 centavos, fresh egg was 30 centavos, postage for regular mail 15 centavos, a Forecast bet for Jai Alai was P5, and Chess books were already expensive. I remember dreaming of the The Games of Robert J. Fischer, a hardbound edition which Popular Bookstore was selling at P90, exactly my dorm fee for a month. I can't remember how I eventually acquired that book: it's in 
P90 in 1972
my library now, one of the few books from my early days to have survived. 

5:09
Chess books cost more today. I remember asking my daughter in New York to buy me Series 5 of Kasparov's My Chess Predecessors. Cost me about $37, I think, and more for the shipping from there to here in QC.

Obviously, having no significant talent to exploit, I settled for less than a million to just having enough to buy the things I need in life, mostly books. After five years of a B.S. Mechanical Engineering course at UST, I went home to Angeles City. Jobless, I helped for a while at the family sari-sari store. It's a drudgery where you can find yourself just getting old and wasted in the vicious cycle of buying and selling canned goods and detergent bars. Earn money, spend your life. I shudder when I think of the epitaphs for businessmen.

"Here lies Sir Knight Juan Mercado. Sold 2,000,000 cans Ligo Sardines, 50,000 cases Ajax detergent bars. He got rich but forgot to live." Mourned by doddering Knights of Columbus and the jolly good fellows of the local Rotary and Chamber of Commerce.



Here's mine: "He was of no consequence, but he was pogi for life." c'',)

5:16
Is there a shortcut to wealth at all? Lotto, of course. And politics, drug dealing, jueteng operations, cornering the telecommunications, water and electricity monopoly and other big crimes.

But does it make you happy, all that wealth? I don't think so.

Since it will take another long insomnia to blog out the reasons why with great wealth comes great responsibility and misery, I'll just provide the simple one-way test to determine if you are happy at any time in your life.

Just ask yourself, "Am I happy now?" The only right answer is an immediate "Yes." Any other answer means "No." If you try to rationalize, you are in a state of denial.

Isn't life fun? Only if you know how to play.


L.I.T.E.R.A.L.

Shalala in the Morning

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3:48 a.m.
My insomnia seems to be a bit off this morning, but then again I remember Leena remarking as she turned off the nightlight: "Wow! It's already 12:12." She watched to the end Mr. Popper's Penguins. I, too, like Jim Carrey films, my favorite being Liar, Liar.

4:02
I can't remember when exactly I became aware that someone is not telling me the truth, and the reason for the lie. For smarter persons, that moment is an early awakening to the realities of how this planet works, and they easily adapt and adjust their way of life and thinking. Smart people get rich early in life.

4:11
It took decades of being pummeled by lies and half-truths before I even wondered why most of us accommodates the inexact: the misinformation, the ignorance, the lack of fact. I almost said "the lack of faith," and I remember reading somewhere that "Just because someone is willing to die for his belief does not mean he is right."

My old and sleepless mind can't grasp who first expressed that observation, which shook me some from my dumbness. It might have been Voltaire, but the sentiment seems modern, more in the line of Oscar Wilde. Whatever.

4:28
Then I thought of Tommy Lee Jones in Men in Black telling alien-scoffing Will Smith something about the progress, or, to be exact, the regression, of human learning: "People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow."

That statement is a revelation, in this age of terabyte programming and smart TV. But I have already observed that our technology is light-years ahead of our morality or life-values. 

4:48
Back in 1998 Erap became  president. That would indirectly affect my position at People's Tonight. First, Joe Burgos, a veteran newsman I admired since the early 1980s, was persuaded to come out of retirement to become CEO of Philippine Journalists Incorporated, which owned People's Tonight,People's Journal, Taliba, Women's Journal, and the defunct and discredited money-losing broadsheet,Time Journal. When Burgos and his retinue of veterans arrived, he apportioned them to each publications, giving respect and precedence to the original personnel. At Tonight, associate editor Franklin Cabaluna was promoted to Executive Editor, a jump of two ranks and payscale. I was propelled from my supervisory post of copy editor to Managing Editor, ascending three ranks up with corresponding payscale, which enabled me to amass loads and loads of stamps and books.

5:12
After a few weeks, when Burgos and his appointees were settled in, I was summoned to his office. He asked me what task I performed when I was copy editor. I told him I edited and did the layouts for the two op-ed pages, including the editorial, written every day by the publisher. I also edited and did the layout for story I chose for the back page, and some minor stories for the other minor pages. That's a lot of work and responsibilities for a minor position; he saw that. It was my first conversation with a newsman I admired. I'm sure I could learn a lot from him, and I did, about fairness, integrity, and honesty -- which Erap did not possess.

"Can you," he said, "write a mock editorial about our anti-smut drive and submit it in our meeting tomorrow? Of course it will not be actually used." The test of ability has come, and my future role will be determined by the quality of my writing.

Next day before the 3 o'clock editors' meeting I gave him my assignment, my opinion about lurid films and tabloids that featured nude photos, thus outselling our publications by a huge margin.

5:41
My mock editorial about smut films and tabloids pointed out that Man has made giant leaps in technology since the time he discovered fire and made the wheel, leading to spacecraft that sent our species to the moon, and voyagers that went through and beyond our solar system, beaming back clear and colored images of giant Jupiter, a giant multi-layered orange marble with its huge stormy eye; of beautiful Saturn floating inside its rings; of big blue Neptune, its axis inexplicably tilted out of alignment, and hazy pluto which distance kept shrouded in mystery, exuding inexact information about its vague and lonely isolation.

The point is, for every step Man took forward, he took two steps back. For example, when printing was developed about 3000 BC, on cloth in Europe and India, on paper in China, tracts about religion were disseminated. That seems ok, but then sexual tales with erotic images followed. Same thing happened in painting, photography and sculpture; then, with new technologies like Betamax, VHS on to CDs and DVDs, our culture was inundated with X-rated movies. Every quality and mordant film was matched by thousands of lurid ones. Man is light-years ahead in technology, but in morals and ethics, he's just one step away from the cave. 

We are primordial creatures. I sincerely hope we are not the best species the universe can provide.

6:03
(To be continued next insomnia, if ever...)

Silver, Big Boy, and Ding -- survivors

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Silver, British Shorthair, and Pogi with no hair

If you enter our bedroom, tiny Silver with her thin legs will stand up and emerge from her niche, then walk, lurch, stumble, stagger, fall on her belly with a small "plop," get up again, till she reaches your feet, friendly, trusting, undemanding, affectionate. And she will be perfectly happy if you offer her milk or boiled chicken if she is hungry. If you observe for a while, you will notice that this tiny but resolute survivor can easily fit into my palm, just a fragile pulse of life which I hope hope hope will grow strong, and play, and live beyond kittenhood.

Silver is too small for her age, three going on four weeks, born a day after Mau's new baby, still unnamed, arrived with three other Persian siblings. The other day, Leena was trying on some appropriate name, talking to Mau's newborn: "Big boy ka 'no, di tulad ni Silver linggit." I interjected, "Why not call him Big Boy then." That should have settled it, but when I told Melay of the nomination, she exclaimed, "Ano?! Babae din siya." We are thinking of Oggy, the blue cat of the Cartoon Channel. We will decide if the name is suitably androgynous to fit. 

"Big Boy" & Silver, born just a day apart

To differentiate between Silver and the-one-who-must-still-be-named-correctly, Melay for the while calls the latter "Dams," short for Damulag, to emphasize the contrast in size between her two wards. We don't know why Silver has not developed to full size, why her short tail is bent (Lena says Silver is "bobtailed"), and whether she can outgrow her frailty, but I'm definite she belongs with us. She is family.

Here's the family record: Starting about 7 p.m. of 2012 July 28, Mau started giving birth. The first child died of birth defect, second to emerge was "Dams," the third was still born, and the fourth lived for two days and succumbed to another genetic abnormality. In cases like these we deflect the thoughts of so many deaths and focus on the blessing of the one who lived. Three for the Rainbow Bridge (located under our mango tree) and one for our hearts. 


Melay and baby "Dams" (Tintin)

The following day, at about 7 p.m., Ruby gave birth to wee Silver in another room. The vet, Leena, and Melay kept vigil for the next arrivals, but it became obvious by early next morning that Silver is destined to be an only child. We did not know then that, like the famous Steve Jobs, she will be transferred for adoption a few hours after her birth.

However, it's not that the father and Ruby sent him off: Silver lacks a newborn's instinct that often can be fatal -- she cannot smell the life-giving milk in his mother's breast. When Leena saw that he could not find and feed on the milk and natural vitamins that nourish breastfed children to health and growth, she took the hungry kitten to Mau in our room. Mau licked the new arrival and added her to her diminished brood. Still, Silver cannot breastfeed from wetnurse and surrogate mother Mau, so Leena and Melay took turns feeding her by baby bottle every two hours.

So it has been to this day: late night up to noon, Leena answers to Silvers shrill quest for sustenance and companionship. When Leena goes to the office, Melay takes over until Leena returns. We noticed that when no one is in the room, Silver does not cry out even when hungry.

  
Feeding time for Silver

There's this stoic attitude among cats that I deeply admire; they do not gripe, they ignore their disabilities and adjust to what is left of their capability. So, Silver with her spindly hind leg, her bent tail which lack the proper function to balance her movements, still struggles through all the strenuous process to approach and greet anyone who enters her sanctuary.

Another survivor who has joined our family is Ding, a pusakal (pusang kalye) picked up two weeks ago by Neneng at the height of Habagat, the non-typhoon which was almost as destructive as Ondoy. Ding, then a thin, wet and hungry creature was shivering in the guardhouse at the entrance to our street. Neneng saw him and decided to bring him home, where he was dried off and fed. By the manner he devoured his food, Ding apparently was at the point of starvation, shown by the the ribs sticking out at the side of  his frail body. Today he seems to have filled out; at night he nestles on Neneng's neck for warmth and blissful sleep.


Ding, less than one-month old

I don't know if cats have a concept of courage, of fortitude, but their forbearance is admirable, even inspiring. The ancient Egyptians had the correct appreciation of cats, which were even deified in the times of the pharaos. When I think of pets, my mind seeks out part a poem in Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass":

I think I could turn and live with animals,
they are so placid and self -contained;
I stand and look at them long and long.
They do not sweat and whine about their condition;
They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins;
They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God;
Not one is dissatisfied -- not one is demented with the mania of owning things;
Not one kneels to another, nor his kind that lived thousands of years ago;
Not one is responsible or industrious over the whole earth.

Note:  It has been verified today, 2012 August 27, that "Big Boy" is a girl. So we gave her a name which we think will meet her approval -- Christine Grey, or Tintin. It's apt: she has 50 shades of lovable traits.

Silver is now (January 2013) will be 6 months old on the 29th. Here's a recent photo I posted in Facebook:


Silver reading Rushdie with me

Tintin

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Young Tintin

3:46 a.m.
What do kittens, alone in the dark, think about? A few minutes ago, Tintin climbed on the bed, then walked over my tummy. I gave her a few sleepy strokes on the chin, she gave me some playful bites which I thought were preludes to friendly wrestling and tumbles: I tickle her tummy while her legs kick in the air, sometimes wrapping around my fingers.

4:05
My eyes open and I notice it's getting light outside. Where's Tintin? First place I look for is above the headboard, there on the window sill where the bottom slat of jalousie was removed to give more space to generation of Ragdolls and Persians raised in our room.

4:12
Tintin just sits there on her hindlegs, quietly thinking kitten thoughts, just sitting, thinking. With a distant look, she surveys the small realm of her existence. How she has grown in 90 days! Sometimes I see her stride across the room with graceful maturity, as her ancestors did thousands of years ago, in now-forgotten African jungles or in the shades of Egyptian palaces. I imagine thousands of her forebears still lie with pharaohs in undisturbed pyramids under shifting desert sands.

4:31
My hand reaches out to Tintin, outlined by the false dawn against the jalousie. She acknowledges my greeting with gentle bites, then with some proprietary licks which seem to convey: "When was your last bath? You smell ripe, you know. Let me groom you up a bit. When mommy Mau wakes up ask her to teach you how to be presentable. Meanwhile, my love will see you through."

4:43
Tintin is asleep now, a lovely bundle in the window. So solitary, her mind so at peace. I follow her lead. Even kittens have more sense than me.


Note:
Mention of shifting desert sand made me think of  Ozymandias, my favorite Shelley Poem:

I met a traveller from an antique land
Tintin on Leena's bag
Who said: Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk, a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them and the heart that fed:
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings:
Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.

One perfect day

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It seems that when we come of age and shed the naïveté of youth, we lose the ability to go through a single day without encountering a minor hitch or Stresstab-reaching crisis.

For example, you are with your fiancee in your car, driving in the rain when a tire blows: that's a hitch. You're changing the #%¥* tire by the side of the road when three men appear and offer to help you by  relieving you of that new but troublesome car (as soon as you replace that flat with the spare), and those extraneous cash, ATM and credit cards -- hey, nice shoes! Is that the new iPhone? -- and the Rolex, that nice gold tiepin, and that Cartier lighter. They leave the pack of Marlboro in your pocket -- they are "menthol" guys. That, I think, qualifies as an authentic crisis.

Oho! you have just passed a stress management seminar, and this present crisis can be hurdled. Yes, you may call the banks to invalidate those ATM and credit cards. The insurance company can easily handle the case of the new but stolen car immediately, if only those #&%*s haven't taken your brand-new, top-of-the-line, expensive mobile phone. Oh, the shoes can be replaced, and you can walk in the invigorating rain. What a guy! That's the attitude, dude!

"Hey! Where's my girl?" You see, the fiancee, the girl in the car, has recognized one of the #&%s who relieved the stress manager of his car, cash, cards and blings. She had a crush on that particular goon all those years in high school. In fact she realized that her ardor has not waned for that kind of guy -- tall, y'know, muscular, with that fuzz on the chin, and that bad-boy sneer that melts her soul. What else she could have done but ride away with the gang. But not before she asked one of the goons to return his newly ex's shoes. She hates those two-toned Italian wingtips.

Definitely not a perfect day. Our stress manager at least has his shoes back. He says he will take a stroll to his condo unit, located on the seventh floor of those posh locales, take a bottle of Stresstab, another bottle of Rivotril, a pad of Valium caps, and then jump into the pool down below. Hope he does not leave a messy splatter if his aim is off. That may ruin the groundskeeper's day.

It's not going hunky dory for the three #&%s, either. They got their loot, all right, but they did not expect to add their victim's ex-fiancee as moll to their peaceful gang. A dame always spells trouble, all caps. That gang is doomed. And this runaway fiancee, what will her socialite friends and relatives think? Her escapade will surely distract them from the topless photos of Princess Kate, who lately has been having a series of imperfect days of her own.

If I can have one perfect day, I will give it to God, who day in and day out has to face millions of prayers and petitions from troubled souls, including that jilted carless, iPhoneless, loveless victim, even those goons and their socialite moll, and the naked princess, and Mark Zuckerberg and the almost a billion Facebookers, not one who will enjoy a perfect day.

I believe even God must have a break, one perfect day.

I took a nap in the afternoon, and in my dream I heard a voice say: "Thank you for the offering, my son, but I cannot take that away from you. You see, one perfect day for me is Eternity."

Lover's Concerto

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Lover's Concerto Kelly Chen version on YouTube


3:33 a.m.
Vaguely I remember having heard Lover's Concerto for the first time way back in third grade. It was 1965 and a classmate seemed to know the lyrics to the catchy tune, which had been dominating air time then. I  encountered the tune recently in a splendid HBO presentation of the film Mr. Holland's Opus. Music teacher Glenn Holland, played by Richard Dreyfuss, played the tune in 3/4 beat on piano and asked his class for the title of the song; most answered Lover's Concerto. "Wrong," he said, "it's Bach's Minuet in G." The minuet is faster than the modern Concerto's 4/4 beat.

3:44
How gentle is the rain
That falls softly on the meadows
Birds high up on the trees
Serenade the trees with their melodies...

The playful lilt and cadence of the "hook-laden" lyrics, as intended, latched onto my schoolboy memory, to be held to finer scrutiny by Google, YouTube, and Wikipedia decades later, after I saw Mr. Holland's Opus, which replaced Close Encounter of the Third Kind as my favorite Richard Dreyfuss film.

Here's a scene from that film:




Mr. Holland was talking about music, but he might as well expounding on all the arts -- painting, sculpture, dance, architecture, dance, anything that makes life worthwhile, beautiful, and, as the song says, just as wonderful.

4:11
When I go through the Lover's Concerto lyrics, I remember the laughter induced by the zany poems of Lewis Caroll and William Lear, who appear in my mind  is transmuted into simple delight by the song, particularly the Kelly Chen version in YouTube. Images from old memories made vivid by technology. Pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Twitter of birdsongs. Treasures everywhere.

Notes to myself

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I am following what may be an obscure but a certainly effective procedure of learning: accidental education. I stumbled upon the term while frip-fripping the pages of The Education of Henry Adams, the autobiography of Henry Adams. Yes, the man has come up with a style of his own, writing about himself in the third person. By the standard of the New Journalism, this is old hat; but if we consider that this Henry Adams was born in 1838 and published his book in 1906, we kneel and touch our forehead toward the fount of such originality.


To fix the dates in our mind, we relate it to a familiar date, say 1861: In 1838 one Jose Rizal had to wait 23 more years before he could be conceived to make his own mark. People in those years wrote convoluted sentences, so prolix that the Victorian Henry James can consume more than two pages for a single sentence. When I first came upon the big block of paragraphs in a James novel, I blinked in disbelief. This was how the master told his tales, twisting and turning phrases where a simple subject-verb-predicate sentence would have sufficed.

I sifted through each line to make sure I had not just missed a turn and driven pass the merciful period. I waded through dozens of overworked commas, exhausted semi-colons, underpaid dashes, and parentheses gasping for breath until I found the treasured dot, miles away from the starting point. I'm sure the education of Henry Adams taught him not to write like Henry James.

Or like Charles Dickens. Someone told me that Dickens can discuss hats for 20 pages. That attitude, or style, can be understood if we are informed that Dickens was paid a cent per word for his stories, which were serialized in magazines. Erle Stanley Gardner, before he hit it big with Perry Mason, earned his dimes by padding his pulp fictions with sound effects. It takes no effort at all to hear his detective unload his gun: "Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!" All six shots earning 60c. Of course the gumshoe gets to reload and unload six more dimes.

Understand, I'm retelling all these by memory. This should teach me to take notes next time; verbatim quotes are more accurate and memorable. Still, I guess retelling is better than plagiarizing or sottoing.

Before I forget: Henry Adams and his third-person came up because I have just finished Salman Rushdie's latest book, Joseph Anton. It is Rushdie's autobiography, in which he includes the ordeal he suffered after Ayatollah Khomeini issued a death sentence upon him for allegedly insulting the prophet Muhammad in The Satanic Verses. Hiding and always on the move, he must assume an alias to elude the assassins eager to get the $1 million price for his head. After trying and discarding combinations of names, he decided to become Joseph Anton, after the Polish novelist Conrad and Russian short story writer Chekhov. For ten years the fictitious Joseph Anton issued checks to buy food, books, houses for the fugitive novelist. Rushdie explains in the beginning of his book why he chose his pseudonym. And why he referred to himself in the third-person.

Reality can be as fantastic as fiction. I suppose it's how you tell it.





Another note: Frip is the sound the pages make when I frip the edge of a book to arrive at a random page, where I start reading.

A Sublife: Birthday notes

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When you are old and full of sleep...
Go back to bed, go to sleep.
-- William the Henry

For more than eight years I have been coping with the disabilities caused by a burst blood vessel in the left side of my brain, the part that controlled the physical movements of the right side of my body. After intensive therapy for more than six months, I was able to regain partially my strength --  to stand, to hobble unsteadily, to lift my arm, to remove the droop from my mouth, and to talk intelligibly if not intelligently. After six months the window for full recovery closed: for the rest of my life I will have to accept that I can no longer use my right hand and foot because my right extremities -- five fingers and five toes -- are disabled.


Disabled. That's how I describe myself. Not differently abled, a phrase which I hate as much as the political correctness and hypocritical politeness of this generation. As a former editor of a tabloid, I have learned to respect the integrity of words and to spit on those who disregard the precision of their meanings. To be disabled is to be physically or mentally impaired or incapacitated. In my case, my physical function is severely limited. I can no longer run, jump, climb stairs without aid, kick; my right hand has lost its ability to grasp, hold a pen, strum a guitar, draw and sketch, clap with its functioning partner. My abilities have been diminished, not transformed into different abilities. I know, though, that there are autistic individuals whose mental incapacity is compensated by astonishing feats, like extracting large chunks of information from memory -- information which enable them to recall intricate mathematical or musical combinations without effort, and without understanding. That, is differently abled. I, on the other hand, cannot do what I used to do. I am disabled.

To survive a stroke and through the years learn of the untimely deaths of friends and former colleagues bring only pain and grief, never the consolation of having outlived those good people. To lose allies, including parents, in this difficult world, is to be disabled further. Where is the consolation in that? Only the malicious and the malignant take comfort in the misfortune of other people; their moral disability exceeds my physical disability.

I live my remaining years in what I call a sublife; if I'm not careful and lose my sense of proportion, I can easily fall and become subhuman, like plundering politicians and leeching televangelists who have discarded dignity, kindness, and other values that make us human. My first taste of sublife came when I was deemed sufficiently recovered from my stroke. (Yes, my stroke. I, selfishly, do not wish to share it with others.) In the early leash of my second life, I was let out of St. Luke's, but I had to travel everywhere by wheelchair because my right leg had not yet regained it's strength to support my weight. I noticed that those in wheelchairs are no longer considered part of the mainstream of life. Sublifers have to depend on others to subsist, partially, as in my case, or totally, in severe cases. When you sit in a wheelchair, the average person usually defers to you, even when they do not look at you; you are still an entity, but not complete; faceless, out of the game.

Therapy is supposed to bring you back into the rat race: to be employable again, to be competitive again with all the adjunct greed, envy, boot-licking, shoulder-slapping handshaking bribe-taking, and various contortions for positions. Or you learn to live a level down to a more quiet, sedate, comic-reading, DVD-watching, stamp-collecting existence. And sometimes type out, with the left hand, a blog of whatever runs through your mind. I remember telling a horrified therapist that the best doctors and therapists for stroke victims are those who have suffered a stroke themselves. Because then they will know exactly how we feel, so they will not call a patient lazy because the patient still refuses to stand and take the first strides to normalcy. "She is not lazy," I explained, referring to an elderly patient. "She feels she has become a burden now and she is afraid of standing and possibly falling and breaking a leg or an arm and becoming a heavier burden. Her stroke has already caused a heavy loss in terms of time and money. Her fear is not for herself but for her family." Even the fearful have courage.

Even today, I lack the sense to feel despondent. With my reckless lifestyle, I cannot blame anyone or anything else for what happened: I simply got what I deserve, and even survived to ponder and write about it. It's been a long time since I was able to shed my sense of schadenfreude: the malicious and hidden enjoyment people feel when others suffer a misfortune -- death, divorce, bankruptcy, ugly daughters, poor fashion taste, a new iPhone tossed by baby into aquarium, an expensive and mature Flowerhorn sick with indigestion. So I feel neither comfort nor consolation when, being wheelchaired to the therapy room, I pass by the Renal Section (I turn my head and look away from Oncology), where every day patients with impaired kidneys undergo dialysis to purge out the poison accumulated in their blood -- until money runs out or life mercifully ends. Former Managing Editor Fred Marquez described the process in an article he wrote for People's Tonight shortly before he died, (I paraphrase): "Dialysis is like riding a merry-go-round, you go round and round, feeling lightheaded and dizzy, until you can't pay for the ride anymore." Or the wheel suddenly stops. I can go on and on with stories of colleagues now departed, but what for? It's enough to know that the bell tolls for all. For the young, who shrugs at the fate of the old, as I once had, the Earth turns, like a merry-go-round, and the wheel stops for everyone.

Old sublifers hoard time as precious gems, so we don't count wholesale anymore. We retail day by day (but not by hours, that's for penny-pinchers). My personal math as of today goes like this: 57 years x 365.25 days = 20,819.25 days. My hair, what remains of it, has gray strays; my skin is a parchment marked by hieroglyphs of cat scratches; I walk like a pirate with a peg leg; my right arm and leg refuse to abide by the synapses. I'm worn out, jaded, a burnt-out case ready for the scrap heap, and I've lived for less what an iPad costs if each of my days is turned into a peso. Life in this context is cheap -- but still precious. I'd better stop: I'm getting morbid, and it's supposed to be a happy birthday, indeed.


Brain melted due to morbid thinking.

Before you measure the years, you measure the days.
-- Mitch Albom, "The Time Keeper"

Tintin & Schopenhauer

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What does Tintin think about when sitting alone above my pillow in the dark? I found out that life can be easier if you find the right philosopher to answer such questions for you. Schopenhauer (1788-1860) believed that cats live for the moment, the present. They never reminisce about the past nor contemplate the future. That's why, he said, they are placid and contented. Unlike people, who impose unnecessary burdens upon their lives, fretting over past mistakes and scheming to set the future right, to catch the bluebird of happiness, to find the Rainbow Connection.

Tintin wakes up while it's still dark, goes to the food bowl and eats, licks and grooms herself, jumps onto the bed and lightly nudges my arm to see if I'm awake. Sometimes I wake up a little late and see her sitting on the pillow, just right over my head, looking patiently at me. I greet her and we snuggle for warmth; she purrs in delight while she sits on my tummy and I stroke her back and tickle her chin. We live for the moment: yesterday was a cancelled ticket, the present is the future unfolding second after second after second: a new present for each cancelled past. Life with a cat can be so simple and at the same time metaphysically complex.

And it is the inclination of great philosophers like Schopenhauer (hereafter simply referred to as Arthur) to make the complex as simple as possible, to make the elegant seem quotidian. To make us understand; to cast pearls before swines, so to speak. Arthur was the Great Pessimist, but not the type to see life as a glass half-empty -- to him the world is a glass full to the brim, of suffering and pain, where misfortune in general is the rule. Happiness, of course, is the exception. Happiness is merely a brief achievement of contentment, a temporary cessation of endurance or pain. Not a happy day in our life will pass untainted by the spice of sorrow, mischance, even dissatisfaction.

Certainly Arthur, a thinking man, wears the mask of tragedy; he bequeaths comedy to carpetbaggers, money-seekers, kings, pawns and bishops -- "to the crowd of miserable wretches whose one aim in life is to fill their purses but never to put anything into their heads." Yet Arthur was not a man of dark design who took delight in misery. He was blunt, he was honest, but he was not dreary. If one of life's purposes is redemption from ignorance of evil, Arthur redeemed himself by this endearing statement: "The best consolation in misfortune or affliction of any kind will be the thought of other people who are in a still worse plight than yourself; and this is a form of consolation open to every one. But what an awful fate this means for mankind as a whole!"

Using Arthur's elegant mode of expression, I say, "Tintin finds herself suddenly existing, after thousands and thousands of years of non-existence: she lives for a little while; and then, again, comes to an equally long period when she must exist no more." What applies to my playful Persian applies to the whole existence of the universe. We are made of stardust: life is cosmic.

Tintin exists, therefore she thinks. Arthur believes that Tintin my pet, with less mental complexities and expectations than humans, does not suffer boredom. Still I wonder, when Tintin sits by my side in the dark, if she can anticipate the pleasure of play when I wake up. Arthur believes that creatures like Tintin does not possess man's power of reflection, memory and foresight: in short, Tintin simply wants to play, she does not reflect that I am the chosen companion, a bigger creature she can trust and approach without fear of harm; she has no memory of yesterday's pleasure, no anticipation to meet again at daybreak tomorrow. The philosopher, in this case, is way off the mark. I believe Arthur, in his long existence, had missed the good fortune of being loved and trusted by a cat, of understanding the silent communications between a human and another species, of the enduring memories of paws and hands meeting in affection. But, in case Arthur is right, that Tintin will in a short time outgrow the playful moments and memories, then I abide. Still, Tintin will stay in my mind. We have met, and I will not forget.
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November 3: Yesterday two good people have decided to share their life with Tintin in their home. It is a comfortable life, with the right food, toys, a Ragdoll playmate, a scratch post, and a great expectation that her nine lives will be blissful. Live long and prosper, Tintin my lovely.
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